Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
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You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
consequences, the bane of my existence
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
time for some seasonal decor
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done