ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.