Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
You Might Also Like
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
cat vs inanimate object
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel