nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)