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MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.