*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
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Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table