Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
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Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Nice try, NASA
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves