A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
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[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
this is 10/10 content no notes
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?