Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
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Husband: You鈥檙e not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
It doesn鈥檛 matter what鈥檚 behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you鈥檒l get there..
Unless it鈥檚 flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don鈥檛 catch up…
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I鈥檓 hungry, can I have some lunch now
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What鈥檚 exactly your problem 馃槶
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I鈥檝e ever had with my wife.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he鈥檒l get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
馃槀馃槀
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.