Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.