“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
You Might Also Like
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
It’s a gift
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess