Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
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I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf