You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
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business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Alexa: *deep breath*
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?