With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
lmao
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
So sick of all these stupid rules
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.