When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
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walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it