Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
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the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.