I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.