I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw