*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
a badder mouse
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”