Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*