Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder