I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
LOL!
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling