[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
You Might Also Like
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
just having fun
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote