“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.