What is going on? 😅
You Might Also Like
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?