Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.