ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
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“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.