Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
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*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours