Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
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[montage of me giving-up]
you gotta be faster
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Happens to everyone.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.