*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”