I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
🍛
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.