Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
You Might Also Like
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
All generalizations are stupid.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare