Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.