Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
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[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
found my next D&D character name
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
This is Sparta
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
#MeanwhileInCanada