I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
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I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?