Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
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Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
this post was so formative to me
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
i’m still crying at this