why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
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Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
rise and shine we got egg
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?