People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I love twitter
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.