My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
You Might Also Like
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
😂😂😂
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock