[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
You Might Also Like
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes