I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
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I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
me: my friends:
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
This fish is cracking me up
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]