If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.