Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
canadian assassins are called killergrams
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.