Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
You Might Also Like
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”