I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
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[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Close call…
New menu item
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.