ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
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Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Going into Monday like
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.