This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
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Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.