frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.