I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
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. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460