Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
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Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
the simulation is moving too fast
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Mistakes were made
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this